you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
