the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
