the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
