I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
