He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
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