I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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