He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
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