she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
