Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
