I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
i out mim tonsoeep
Randomize
