Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
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