how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
