She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize