just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Randomize
