Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
