he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
