Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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