wanna go halves on a baby?
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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