Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
