I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
