i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
my nick name has gotton too long over the years..C.T.P.S.G.F.P.G.......cock tease private school groupie frat party groupie.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Randomize
