I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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