If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Randomize
