I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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