Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Randomize