I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
