Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Even my vagina gasped.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
I'm both gender and math confused
Randomize
