Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Randomize
