This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
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