This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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