that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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