I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
He shit in the fireplace
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
