It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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