girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
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