im getting my college education on yahoo answers.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
