He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
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