1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
