woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize