I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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