Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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