Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
I had to cum in my sink.
Randomize
