I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
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