I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize
