dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
