I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
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