Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
