Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
