I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
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