i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
