on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
I'm both gender and math confused
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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