My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Randomize
