then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
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