you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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