There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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