Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
