i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Is this like a preordered booty call?
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
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