Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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