conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
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